Two-Bit's Adventures
by Rivendell-Elf
Summary: The Wacky Shananigans of Two-Bit. Ahahahaha.
1. Batman

The Other Side of Two-Bit  
  
*note* drunkeness is very serious and is VERY VERY BAD. I am just making up a story about the stupid things Two-Bit does when he's drunk. He doesn't do anything bad, he is just a FOOL. ok?  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the Outsiders as you probably would have guessed.  
  
Overjoyed at winning the second large rumble against the Socs, the gang limped back to Pony's house, ready to use up ten hours of their time partying and nursing their wounds at the same time. The only one who was ok was Two-Bit, who usually got bashed up a lot.  
  
Two-Bit opened the Curtis' front door and stomped in.  
  
"Hey Darry where's the chocolate milk?"  
  
"None left," Darry grunted, holding his blood-smeared nose, "finished the carton this morning."  
  
"Okay, where's the beer then?"  
  
"None of that either. We only have this fancy crap up on that cabinet." Darry pointed out, aiming a useable finger at a red bottle on the top of a dusty brown cabinet. Two-Bit grinned.  
  
"At least you got somethin'."  
  
Darry grunted again.  
  
"Lighten up, buddy," Soda told his brother, shoving him playfully while Two- Bit took down the bottle, opening it. While Darry yelled at Soda for "punching him", Two-Bit proceeded to take a sip.  
  
"That's pretty good!"  
  
He passed the bottle around but no one would touch it. They weren't in the mood to have a drink. Darry wouldn't let Pony have some anyways. Or would he? Two-Bit reluctantly shoved the bottle towards the kid.  
  
"Hey Ponyboy, want some?"  
  
"Nah," Pony grinned. He went to the couch and sat down, sighing in sudden comfort.  
  
After a couple of glasses of the stuff from the red bottle, Two-Bit began staggering. No one noticed because they were reading a very interesting feminine magazine.  
  
"Ok, ok, look at this," Soda said a bit tiredly, pointing at a quiz in the mag. "How to kiss a guy. Number one: Slow but steady...." he went on, until the gang laughed so hard it hurt their gashes and they immediately stopped.  
  
Now Two-Bit hopped over to Darry, who was standing in a corner reading the paper.  
  
"Darry?"  
  
"What?"  
  
Two-Bit pulled a face so crazy Darry screamed and ran upstairs. It was hard to explain. He had pulled his mouth wide open with his two pinkies and pulled his eyes vertically and horizontally with his middle and forefingers.  
  
"Wait Darry!" Two-Bit yelled fiercely, and crawled upstairs on his arms and legs. He entered a bedroom, where Darry was hiding under the bed, making sounds like a mouse.  
  
A black tie was sitting in an old chair beside the bed. Two-Bit hopped over and tied it around his head.  
  
"A pirate am I! A pirate I am!" he screeched, sounding half like a monkey and half like a sick lobster.  
  
Two-Bit proceeded to do a dance that looked like maybe it was from a Michael Jackson video, and Darry finally gathered up enough courage to crawl out from under the bed."  
  
"Darry, my man!" Two-Bit said, the tie falling in his eyes. He held out his hand hoping for a high five, but instead he got a kick in the shins.  
  
"You can't hurt me! I'm...Captain Hook!" Two-Bit said after a while. Excitedly he leaped up onto the bed and started bouncing on it, yelling "[censored]" at the top of his lungs. Again, Darry ran screaming out of the room.  
  
Two-Bit got off the bed in a single bound and ran to the foot of the stairs. He could see Darry hiding in the living room from there.  
  
"Wait Darry! I will have peace! I will have justice! I am Batman!" he squealed, jumping off of the foot of the stairs, and landed himself in the hospital.  
  
Nobody knew where that not-yet-empty bottle of liquor went, but maybe the screaming nurses that were running out of Two-Bit's hospital dorm should have given them a clue.  
  
THE END  
  
P.S. don't drink and drive. don't drink and do Michael Jackson moves, either. 


	2. Laugh it Up, Chuckles

Chapter Two: Laugh It Up Chuckles  
  
After Two-Bit's encounter with the red bottle, he ended up in the hospital. This is a continuation of that story, and it takes place in the hospital.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the Outsiders as you probably would have guessed.  
  
Two-Bit lay on the stiff hospital bed, a large pain swelling on top of his head. He made a mental note never to pretend to be Batman again. Jumping from the top of the stairs really hurt if you were aiming to land on your two hands and two feet.  
  
This little boy was in the same room as him, he was about nine or ten years old. Two-Bit had no interest in him; he was asleep at the moment. Maybe when he woke up Two-Bit could pull a face on him and send him screaming out the door. Then he'd get kicked out of the hospital (which was what he wanted).  
  
A nurse dressed in pure white came into the room and pulled her cart up in front of Two-Bit's bed.  
  
"Want something to eat, kid?" she stepped aside, revealing a variety of nutricious foods.  
  
"Got any chocolate milk?" Two-Bit asked groggily. This nurse lady was real pretty. Usually the prettiest were the easiest to scare.  
  
"Yeah kid, but you're not getting any. It's plain milk or water for you."  
  
Two-Bit let out a long, painful groan and dropped dead onto his pillow. (not for real!)  
  
The nurse stuck her head really close to Two-Bit's and said in a panicked voice: "Kid? KID?"  
  
Suddenly out of nowhere Two-Bit's eyes opened as wide as they could and he screeched as loud as possible, "I LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!"  
  
He proceeded to stand up on the bed and jump on it, waking up the little kid next to him.  
  
The nurse backed up, screaming.  
  
Two-Bit flopped down on the bed, yelling with laughter.  
  
"Oh yeah buddy, real funny. Laugh it up, Chuckles!" the nurse retorted sarcastically and stomped out of the room.  
  
"Laugh it up, Chuckles," the little kid repeated, laughing. He looked at Two-Bit and decided to introduce himself. "My name's Keith."  
  
"That's my name!" Two-Bit said excitedly, looking at the little guy. "But call me Two-Bit."  
  
"Okay Two-Bit. So how'd you end up here? Did you get in a rumble like all you big guys do?"  
  
"No..." Two-Bit was ashamed and didn't want to tell the kid so he made something up.  
  
"A sick lobster bit me on the nose twice!" he said finally.  
  
"Is that why they call you Two-Bit?" the kid asked.  
  
"No. Listen up though. Do you want to get out of here as much as I do?"  
  
"Yeah, these nurses don't let you have any chocolate milk!"  
  
"Exactly my thoughts! You're smart, kid. Listen then, I got a plan. Here's what we do..." 


	3. Enter the Elf

Chapter Three: Enter the Elves  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own the Outsiders as you probably would have guessed.  
  
Note: Includes major Lord of the Rings content. If you are an Elf-hater GO AWAY and LEAVE ME ALONE.  
  
Keith had a good idea that Two-Bit knew what he was doing. He listened intently to the plan, and made himself repeat it in his head over and over. Nothing could go wrong, Two-Bit had said.  
  
Later that day, it was time to carry out the plan. Two-Bit pulled out his Fido cell phone he'd gotten for Groundhog Day and called up .... someone. (I can't tell you yet.)  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hey, Legolas!" (the secret is out.)  
  
Legolas was an Elf, and he lived in Middle-Earth, a fantasy land created by J.R.R. Tolkien author of Lord of the Rings. No one knew how Two-Bit knew Legolas but somehow he did. And sometimes he gave him a call.  
  
"So," the Elf said, "what's up?"  
  
"I need your help. You know those funky clothes you Elves are always dressed up in?"  
  
"They're not FUNKY, but yes..."  
  
"I need two extra Elf outfits at the hospital PRONTO."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Hey Legolas? You got any long blonde wigs? You know, the ones that make people look like...you?"  
  
"Yeah, I got some of those."  
  
"Two of them, too."  
  
"Okay! The clothes will be there in a jiffy!"  
  
Twelve hours later, at three AM, the clothes arrived to the room. The nurse from Chapter two brought them in. She was still mad at Two-Bit and accidentally spilled water on one of the outfits.  
  
At four AM, Keith and Two-Bit were ready. They strutted out of the hospital room. A very young nurse of about seventeen stopped them in their tracks.  
  
"Who the heck are you!" she said angrily.  
  
"We're Elves...from Mirkwood! I'm Legolas!" exclaimed Two-Bit, pointing to himself, and then with a small gesture towards Keith he added, "and this is.... uh....Tim."  
  
The nurse just stood there for a second, and started to moan, "OH...MY...GOD....AAAHHH!!!!"  
  
And a HUGE smile appeared on her face. She started running towards Two-Bit.  
  
"LEGOLAS! LEGOLAS CAN I HAVE YOUR AUTOGRAPH!!!!"  
  
"Legolas" ran like a bat out of heck towards the exit. He looked into the rooms as he passed and saw a girl of about ten screaming and pointing at him, trying to get out of her bed and run after him. He suspected she wanted his autograph also. Keith was right behind him, panting and panting.  
  
"Why did you have to give me such a stupid name?" he yelled, speeding down the long corridor towards the far away exit.  
  
***  
  
When Two-Bit said goodbye to Keith and dropped him off at his house, he began walking down the street. It was now seven AM (it took a long time to walk to Keith's), and some girls were walking down the street right towards him! He still had the costume on, as he had nowhere to take it off and change. Too late. The girls were on him like flies around honey.  
  
Finally, Two-Bit got home and flopped down on the couch. He could never explain to his mother why he was out of the hospital, and why he had Elf clothing on. So when she yelled at him, he pretended not to hear her. He went up to his room.  
  
"What a satisfying evening," he said to himself. "I received two outfits of Elf clothing, had eleven screaming girls after me, signed eleven autographs, and received eleven phone numbers.  
  
Life went on, and Two-Bit had forgotten to tell his Elf pal that he had given Legolas' phone number to each of the eleven girls.  
  
Legolas couldn't figure out why he had been receiving so many phone calls from the East side of New York. "How did they know my number!"  
  
ok, the last chapter wasn't that good...oh well. it had legolas in it, and that's all that matters. 


End file.
